What is the appropriate amount of expectation as we look forward to important events in this life?
I don’t know. But, that is what I’ve been wrestling with lately.
A few weeks ago I truly expected that we would have a referral by now. My hope was that by the time the silent auction came around, we would have a face and a name to celebrate. We would be able to share with everyone our “next step” in the process and be excited because we can finally start getting to know our child. We would know a gender, age and how healthy they are. We could pick out the colors for their room. We could start arranging things to prepare for the day we bring them home. Drew and I could hug and smile and have a dance party for being in “the phase”. The phase, I guess, is when we get to dream and make plans for a specific child. Maybe it’s like getting an ultrasound. We are next on the list and that is so good, yet I battle against my heart as we wait.
I am realizing that even though these things above are not bad, the overwhelming expectation for them to happen is stealing my joy. Expectations can be a really good thing, but right now I am living for my expectations. All I want is for those things to happen. I want to know the color of our child’s eyes or if they are left or right handed. I want to know when they will be “ours”.
But is this everything?
My hopes and dreams for this child help me get through some of the sad moments. Yet, the most important thing is not that I get to have it all put together in a pretty little box with a bow on top. God knows the plans He has for our child and for us. I trust Him and that brings me a great amount of peace. God is not only good in the good times, He is near and faithful right now even though I’m not “getting what I want”.
My hope is not in what I can plan and figure out and make good. My hope is in a God who I do believe is taking care of us and taking care of our child each moment. Besides, if I keep living entirely for the “next step” in life I will miss worlds of beauty and joy in the moment.
I’m tired of unchecked expectations stealing my joy. There is so much more that I have to live for and there is so much more than the sadness I feel today.